je voudrais être un yeti

Mirrored from Oh Clementine. You can leave any comments there.

So, I saw New Moon on Saturday. Why am I only blogging about it now? Well, normally it would just be that I am lazy; this time it's because my computer, after suffering its own series of unfortunate events, finally crapped out completely, with the keyboard breaking. Now, I don't know if you've tried to use a computer without a keyboard, but it's hard to get anything done, let alone blog. I ended up having to reformat, and all the problems I was having with it appear to be fixed.

Anyway! That was not the point of this post. I am just good at getting myself off track.

So, New Moon. I saw Twilight last year and was thoroughly entertained by it. I was not expecting to be blown away by the acting or the plot, and I wasn't. I just thought it was so funny that I didn't mind spending $12.50 on a ticket to see it for a second time only two weeks later. It was just that hilarious. The general opinion seems to be that New Moon is better, so I was semi excited to go see it, thinking that if it wasn't unintentionally funny it might actually be okay.

And… no. Just no. It was horrible. I was so happy to get the day off work so I could go see it, and I was completely disappointed. It wasn't that funny, deliberately or otherwise. The acting was just plain bad. The pacing was completely off. Everyone looked way uglier than they did in Twilight. (What? I'm allowed to be superficial.)

The movie started off nicely enough. The opening scene certainly looked pretty, although I nearly threw up in my mouth when I saw Edward. I really think they need to lay off the white makeup – and it would probably be smart to get rid of the crimson lipstick, too. I also found it funny that Charlie bought Bella a $250 camera, while Renee bought her a scrapbook.

I had a good laugh when Edward walked in slow motion near the beginning of the movie, and I cheered quietly when Bella told Edward that he was creepy (since he is 109 years old). The effect was kind of lost when she decided that she wasn't actually serious enough about this thought to, you know, act on it or anything.

Other things that didn't make sense: 1) Bella gets a papercut (that bleeds like WHOA; that is not what a papercut is like, okay?), which is not such a huge deal – and Edward flips his shit and throws her against the wall, causing her to bleed even more. Wow, that was smart, Edward! Let's make her BLEED ALL OVER THE PLACE in a room of RAVENOUS VAMPIRES. Good job, buddy! 2) When Edward leaves, Bella runs after him and the screen gets darker¹ until she finally curls up to… die? Who knows. 3) Bella screams every night, apparently having nightmares about Edward dumping her or something equally horrifying. Now, okay, maybe people scream when they're having bad dreams, but I'm pretty sure they don't scream like that. 4) When Bella throws Jacob a piece of pizza, he catches it and it turns into a wrench. This confused my friend so much tha she can't stop talking about how much she hated that part. 4) Jacob: "Oh, by the way, Harry Clearwater had a heart attack." Bella: "Oh. Is he okay?" Jacob: "Eh, you know, he's gone. Now let's get you into some dry clothes." Uh… really? Nobody is at all upset by this? I realise that this is just a plot device to get Edward to freak out when he hears that Charlie is "planning a funeral" (which he thinks is Bella's), but it could have been just a tiny bit more believable.

Things that I found hilarious: 1) The first time Jacob took his shirt off. I'm told that people at other screenings screamed and yelled various things about how hot Taylor Lautner is. At my screening, the theater burst into a mutual round of laughter. It's just so ridiculous. He's bending down next to Bella after she cuts her head open, and suddenly he stands up and whips his shirt off? This was apparently to dab the blood off of her forehead (although it didn't seem to help much), but it was completely out of the blue. 2) When Jane starts torturing Edward. His facial expressions? Priceless. I'm pretty sure the only word to describe how he looks is "constipated". 3) The fact that the movie that Bella, Mike, and Jake go to see is called Face Punch. I mean, really? Really? Need I even say more?

Now, let's talk about the pacing! Oh my god, the pacing! The Laurent plot point takes up, oh, three minutes. It's over nearly as soon as it starts. Twilight (movie) was decent that way – in the book, it's just a bunch of "omg I love you but you want to eat me but omg I don't care make me into a vampire omg you're so beautiful and you sparkle omg", followed by Stephenie Meyer's eventual realisation that this may need to have a plot somewhere (like, say, after 250 pages); in the movie, there was some foreshadowing. In New Moon? Not so much. It's a very literal interpretation of the book. This is a problem, since the books kind of suck.

The acting, as I mentioned, was just awful. I can get very, very into movies, to the point of feeling actual fear/elation/whatever, if the acting is good. I mean… sometimes, it's not like I'm watching a movie. It's like it's actually happening. While I was watching New Moon, the whole thing just felt like watching people act. Awkwardly. Which was what it was, of course. Kristen Stewart is just not a good actress. People thought she did a better job in this movie, but I didn't see it. Robert Pattinson² isn't much better. His "American" accent really gets in the way of my enjoyment – and let's face it, he's not a very good actor anyway. I found all the Cullens as awkward as they were in Twilight. The only standout performance for me was Charlie, although I thought Taylor Lautner did a good job too.

I thought the movie version of Twilight was surprisingly decent, and not just because it was funny. It emphasised the novel's few good points and did its best to detract from the many problems. In New Moon, this just didn't happen. It was the most boring book in the series, in my opinion, and the movie was just as bad.

1. I was not fooled; it did not look like it was becoming night. It looked like the screen was getting darker. [↩]
2. as much as I kind of love him for saying how ridiculous Twilight is [↩]

(Click to see full screenshot.)

I have decided to write semi-regular reviews here. This way, if I ever hit a massive inspiration roadblock, I can pick a site and review it. I used to own a web page review site, but I'm going to just post this here a) for the sake of simplicity¹, and b) because I want to be able to write reviews when I want and not when other people want me to. Therefore, all reviews posted are going to be unrequested.

This review, however, is an exception. I posted on Twitter asking if people would enjoy unrequested reviews on my blog, and Aisling said, "Yes! Review me, first! … Oh, wait." Although that makes this review requested, I figure it's as good a place to start as any! So, on with the review.